Sunday, February 22, 2009

Who am I and what happened to me?

Last night as I drove my three children home from their grandparents home (daddy was still resting up at home from his "procedure") I talked with my mom on the phone. After her divorce she is having a hard time figuring out who she is now. For more than two decades her life has revolved around my step-dad's mental illness. She's not had time for herself or anyone beyond her immediate family. Now she finds herself with only one child left at home who will shortly be leaving for Marine bootcamp. She has more time for herself but isn't sure how to use it. She's not sure who she is. Nearly 49 and she finally has time to reflect upon herself but she has no idea where to start.

I don't want that to be me.

I turned 28 this month and am definitely in a different place than I ever thought I'd be. As a teen I vowed I wouldn't have children. My mom and step-dad had two children that I often was stuck caring for because my step-dad was bipolar and his illness was uncontrolled. I disliked that experience so much that I thought I would never want to have children of my own. Then after high school I met Shawn. I fell for him hard and fast. We both immediately started seeing our future and in his mind that included children. I adopted his vision then starting romanticizing having children with him. Within two years of our marriage our first child was born and they've been coming regular like every three years. Now we have three children and our family is complete.

I've moved from confused teen that grew up in a mentally unhealthy home to married and then child after child. I'm not all that sure who I really am at this point. My philosophies about life have changed, my religious views have changed, my politics have changed. I'm a completely different person than I was 10 years ago. Will I be a completely different person in another 10 years?

I hope I won't be completely different. There are definitely areas I want to work on (most of them would be covered by a bathing suit if I actually wore one) and hope that 10 years from now I'll look back at this as a transitional time with fondness.


Blogger Deborah said...

Send Shawn my get well wishes and I hope he feels better soon! While I thought I wanted 4, three for me is good and I'm at peace with that and HAPPY!!! Post more pics of the kids please!!! :)

4:30 PM  
Blogger B Kinch said...

I love who you are and what happened to you, fyi, and the future is exciting. I often ponder what all of us will be in ten years. (in whiny voice) come do south beach with us!

10:40 AM  
Blogger Hennifer said...

Wow, I didn't know you and I had something in our youths in common.
And I can't believe you are 28! You certainly look young, if not younger but I feel so old.

I hear you on the bathing suit thing. I keep hoping that knowing I'm going to Jamaica this summer will inspire me but um... divorce inspires its own thing

3:23 PM  

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