Friday, March 05, 2010

High needs

People might look at my home or how much I'm online and assume I'm simply lazy or that I don't care about the state of my home. They would be wrong though. I love having a clean home, keeping my windows open, and having people over but my high needs child is keeping me from reaching those goals. I'm intensely frustrated by this too. I sit here (nursing said toddler and typing one handed) and see all that needs to be done and feel embarrassed and anxious. I feel extremely limited by my child. We eat far too much take-out, have few people over, loose patience far too often, and are limited by which invitations I can accept.

I spend most of my day mediating fights and doing things one handed so I can carry Ivy. Some people suggest carrying her on my back but she rarely wants to be in a carrier anymore (and I don't even have a comfortable back carrier). I end up with a sore back, tired arms, and mad. I know I shouldn't be mad because of my child but it is what I feel often these days.

I know part of the problem is that I'm overly tired and underfed and as well I rarely get time for myself. Most days I have only a few minutes in which I'm not touching and/or talking to one of my children.

Yes, I know this is a phase and soon we'll be on to something different but that doesn't help me right here and now. Right now I'm frustrated, I'm tired, and I need my child to let me lay her down alone while she sleeps and to do even a small portion of the things I ask without throwing a tantrum that I fear will dislocate her shoulder or cause a concussion.

I have perspective and know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life and I'm thankful that they aren't happening to us right now. But please know that if you see me with greasy hair, or if I never invite you over, or if I seem short with my kids I'm not a jerk I'm just doing the best I can at that moment (or at least trying).