Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Freedom

Thoughts have occurred to me a few times, though I continually push them back, that my freedom will soon be lost. I'm starting over again and loosing the freedom that a mom of toddlers and school aged kids has. Because of the way I feel compelled to parent I will be literally attached to my child and unable to leave her for more than an hour for the next year. And still after that I'll only be able to take 2 hours away from her.

I'm excited to meet this little girl, to feel all the wonderful things that being a mother of a newborn brings, but I'm not looking forward to loosing my mommy-free time. I've got some great friends with whom I have a wonderful time. I really enjoy, and even need, my weekly get away for 4 hours or so. The big kids have a great time with dad and the next day I'm told about the wrestling they did and the Star Wars they watched. I think its a great deal for all. I've really come to rely on this "coffee time" to keep me sane and the rest of the week I'm a better mom for it.

I feel selfish for wanting time alone. When I had only one child I didn't feel I needed it and kept her with me nearly all the time. By the time she was an unmanageable-in-public two year old I was happy to slip away for a couple of hours (but still worried about her the whole time). Now that I have two children I'd be happy to spend an entire day without them. Kids are a lot of work and to have some time in which I am not responsible for anyone but myself is a great pleasure.

I know there isn't much choice about it now. She's coming and soon. For now I'll try to focus on the good and find other ways in which I can relax and have time alone. It might even turn out well. We have a "gym" at our complex and perhaps I could take half an hour to walk on a treadmill. That would certainly be better for me than the latte I usually have during my ME time.

2 Comments:

Blogger Hennifer said...

Why is it that self care so often feel like selfishness? Yet it is true for so many moms I know. As the mother of children 5 years apart I do think that was the biggest adjustment, my desire to parent by being ever present.

I have confidence you'll find a good middle ground.

The treadmill idea is wonderful. I wished that I had really gotten more devout with baby wearing than I did because I think it would have been wonderful for me to walk for 30 mins WITH baby attached. I too have a gym and just can't figure out how to use it now with a 2 yr old :)

10:52 AM  
Blogger Radical Midwife said...

These feelings are exactly what keeps me from having a second child, so I totally relate. It is so challenging to find that balance! I know that you will find it, though. You're needs are just as important as your children's.

11:13 AM  

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